Summary: If you’re tired of always apologizing and playing small to make others comfortable, it’s time for a shift. Dropping the “good girl” routine and standing firm in who you are isn’t just about confidence—it’s about self-respect. Own your space, set boundaries, and stop saying “sorry” when you don’t need to. Because when you show up as your true self, you make it easier for others to do the same.
- The Habit of “Sorry” and Where It Comes From
- Catching the Unnecessary “Sorry”
- The Mindset Shift: From Humble to Proud
- The Benefits of Showing Up Fully
- Owning Your Voice is a Gift to Yourself and Others
A few years back, I got a performance review at work that sort of changed my life, although I didn’t actually realize it at the time. My manager told me I was doing a great job, but he noticed one thing: I apologized. A lot. Every time I approached someone—no matter if it was a partner, accountant, or even a junior staff member—I’d start with, “I’m sorry to bother you…” He told me I didn’t need to apologize and that it was making others feel awkward. I, of course, zeroed in on that one criticism and let it overshadow everything good he’d said.
I promised myself I’d try to stop apologizing, but I never stopped to ask why I felt I had to in the first place. My husband used to ask me about it, too. He’d say, “Why are you always apologizing, even when there’s nothing to apologize for?” I was doing it not just at work but at home, almost like a reflex.
I realized many years later, after doing a lot of inner work, that my constant apologizing was tied to much bigger issues—unrecognized and unresolved trauma, self-doubt, and the years I’d spent in male-dominated fields where I felt I had to prove my worth over and over.
With time, I learned to stop shrinking myself just to make things easier for others. I started speaking up, trusting my voice, and letting go of the worry that I might be “too much.” Now, I keep my apologies in check and only say “sorry” when there’s actually something to apologize for (well, I do my best to stick to that). Because here’s the thing: the more you throw around “sorry” for no reason, the less it means when you actually need it. So, either own it and make things right if there’s truly something to be sorry about—or stop apologizing altogether. I literally have to keep this on replay in my head.
I definitely still have moments of self-doubt (I’ve had plenty of panic attacks in my car and sleepless nights overthinking), but now I can stand firm in who I am. That mindset shift—from playing small to taking up space—changed everything for me. And guess what? Others see it, too. I just have to keep in mind that it’s not arrogance; it’s knowing my worth and being unapologetic about it. And now, I know it’s worth encouraging other women to do the same.
The Habit of “Sorry” and Where It Comes From
Many of us have been socially trained to use “sorry” as a softener—a little cushion to make sure we’re not seen as “too assertive,” “too demanding,” or just “too much.” Society loves telling women to be pleasant as if taking up less space makes us more likable or approachable. Like a cute little delicate flower. Well, f—k that. Constantly apologizing, especially when there’s no real harm done, just chips away at our confidence and signals to others that we see ourselves as an inconvenience. Imagine if your daughter went around apologizing to every teacher or classmate all day. It’d break your heart—and maybe even frustrate you a little.
Examples of Apologies That Don’t Need to Happen
Think about these everyday scenarios:
- Bumping into someone lightly and apologizing like it’s the end of the world. (You’re not a hazard; you just brushed shoulders. Smile, maybe say, “Excuse me,” and move on.)
- Apologizing before you ask a question at work, as if seeking clarity is an offense. This was me. All. The. Time. (Remember: Questions help you do the job right—the first time.)
- Apologizing when someone else made a mistake, just to smooth things over. (Their error isn’t your responsibility.)
Sound familiar? We’re not “sorry” because we’ve done something wrong; we’re sorry because we’ve been conditioned to feel like we have to make others comfortable, even if it’s at our own expense. For some of us, this instinct to apologize might even go back to childhood or early experiences where we felt we had to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or make ourselves smaller to feel safe. Trauma—whether from early life, relationships, or even experiences in the workplace—can make “sorry” feel like a protective reflex, a way to shield ourselves from judgment or confrontation.
Catching the Unnecessary “Sorry”
Becoming aware of this habit is the first step to breaking it. Next time you catch yourself saying “sorry” out of habit (no matter what it’s due to), pause and ask yourself: What am I apologizing for? If you can’t find a clear reason, skip the “sorry” and just go straight to your question or request. Instead of “Sorry to bother you, but…” try, “Do you have a moment to talk about…” or “When you have a second, could we discuss…”
If you really feel the need to acknowledge someone’s time or effort, try “Thank you” instead of “Sorry.” It’s a simple switch that gives you a sense of control and projects confidence.
- Instead of “Sorry for the delay,” try “Thank you for your patience.”
- Instead of “Sorry to interrupt,” try “Thank you for giving me a moment.”
This one change might seem small, but it’s powerful. It starts to rewire how you approach interactions, giving you the confidence to take up the space you deserve without shrinking.
It’s important to remind yourself that dropping the unnecessary “sorry” doesn’t make you pushy, rude, or self-centered. It simply shows that you respect your own voice. Think of each moment you resist apologizing for nothing as a tiny act of self-empowerment. It’s about training yourself (and others) to see your voice, time, and presence as valid, valuable, and worth taking seriously.
The Mindset Shift: From Humble to Proud
Owning your voice means accepting your accomplishments and letting yourself feel proud, not just “grateful” or “lucky.” Instead of brushing off your hard work, practice celebrating it. If you’ve spent years being the “good girl,” it can feel unnatural to take credit or speak up. But owning your voice is about recognizing and showing your true worth unapologetically. Here’s how to get started:
- Practice Saying “Thank You” Instead of Shrinking Back
When someone compliments your work, skip the instinct to downplay it with “Oh, it was nothing.” Instead, say, “Thank you—I worked hard on that.” This small shift helps remind you (and others) that your achievements are worth acknowledging without feeling like you’re bragging. - Share Your Wins with Confidence
Start talking about your accomplishments. This might mean sharing a project you’re proud of with a friend or colleague or mentioning a recent success during a meeting. Remind yourself that you’re not showing off; you’re simply letting others see what you bring to the table. - Challenge the “Good Girl” Mindset
Catch yourself when you start to hold back or “play small.” Remind yourself that your ideas, opinions, and achievements matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Remember, owning your voice doesn’t mean talking over others or stealing the spotlight. It simply means standing confidently in who you are, letting yourself be seen, and speaking up without feeling guilty.
It’s okay—and important—to own what you bring to the table. When you let yourself show up fully, without shrinking or apologizing for no good reason, you give others the go-ahead to do the same. This shift from “good girl” to someone who’s confident, bold, and unapologetic doesn’t just impact you; it also makes a difference for those around you. So, stand firm, own your voice, and let your accomplishments speak for themselves.
The Benefits of Showing Up Fully
Learning to own your voice and be seen isn’t just about confidence; it’s about creating a life where you’re respected, heard, and valued. Here’s why this shift matters and what you can expect when you stop apologizing for who you are:
- Improved Self-Respect
When you own your voice, you’re affirming that your thoughts and opinions have value. This simple act builds self-respect over time, helping you feel more grounded and confident in who you are. - Better Relationships
People around you, from family and friends to colleagues, will sense this change, too. When you communicate assertively—without shrinking or apologizing—you set a standard for how you deserve to be treated. Authentic connections thrive when you bring your true self to the table. - Career Growth and Opportunities
Taking up space in professional settings often translates to greater visibility and growth. When you stop holding back and start sharing your ideas confidently, people notice. This can open doors to new opportunities and even leadership roles as others begin to see you as someone who adds value. - More Joy and Fulfillment
Living fully and unapologetically means experiencing life on your own terms. No more tiptoeing around or constantly wondering if you’re “too much.” You’ll feel a greater sense of freedom and satisfaction, knowing you’re not holding back.
Owning Your Voice is a Gift to Yourself and Others
A few years ago, the idea of standing up for myself would have made me cringe. I remember one session with my therapist when I told her I was drowning in work and had almost canceled our session. I said I wished I could be more like some of my coworkers, who left work on time every night and didn’t hesitate to say no to more work.
She asked me, “What do you think would actually happen if you set some boundaries and did the same?” Without a second thought, I said, “I’d probably get fired.” She looked at me and said, “Is that really what you think would happen?” I replied, “Yes!”
Then she took it a step further: “Have any of your coworkers gotten fired for setting boundaries?” And then she said something that I was not expecting: “I don’t think you’d get fired—and if you did, who cares? You’re more than capable of finding another job.”
Driving home from that session, I felt both scared and empowered, like she’d just given me the green light to be myself. I’d never really considered what it meant to let go of caring so much about what others think. Deep down, I knew I was opinionated, strong-willed, and determined—not someone who backs down easily. But I also liked to keep the peace. I’m a Libra, so—if you know, you know. Still, somewhere along the way, I’d lost touch with that part of myself.
That conversation helped me reconnect with who I knew I was. It might sound cheesy, but it’s true.
When you stop apologizing for who you are and give yourself permission to be real, you give others permission to do the same. Owning your voice is more than self-respect—it’s a ripple effect. It helps you show up as yourself and encourages everyone around you to do the same. And, honestly, the world could use a bit more authenticity.
So, here’s my challenge for you: next time you feel like shrinking back or saying “sorry” when you don’t need to, stop. Remind yourself that your badass voice matters. Show up, own what you bring, and don’t apologize for it. You don’t just deserve a place at the table—you belong there.
Put on your favorite killer heels (or sneakers), stand tall, and start practicing today. You’ll be surprised how much this mindset shift can change the way you see yourself—and how others see you, too.
Man, I love being a woman—you should, too.
Remember this—you’re stronger than you think, worth every damn effort, and never, ever alone in this. Now go crush it!